


The Cosmo Challenge

by valiantbandit (blueringlady)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Tony reads funny things when he gets bored, and he'll take pretty much any challenge, sex tips from Cosmo are hilarious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-27
Updated: 2014-11-27
Packaged: 2018-02-27 06:26:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2682533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueringlady/pseuds/valiantbandit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce catches Tony reading Cosmo in his spare time and challenges Tony to prove that the sex tips have some merit. As expected, hijinks and hilarity ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The challenge

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration for this fic struck me when I saw some hilarious commentary about a Cosmo sex tip. I immediately started picturing what would happen if Tony and Bruce tried them and I had to write it. I'll be writing this as I get time and inspiration, but all chapters will pretty much stand alone so you won't be left waiting if I don't get a chance to post.

Tony sat in the living room of the penthouse, reading his magazine. It was his turn to take care of dinner so he’d left Bruce in their shared lab. Bruce’s vague acknowledgment of Tony’s kiss as he passed by to go upstairs promised that it might be awhile before he dragged himself away from his work. Certain that Bruce wouldn’t be upstairs for another couple of hours, Tony felt safe indulging in one of his guilty pleasures. He was so involved in the article that he didn’t realize he wasn’t alone until he felt strong, warm hands sliding across his shoulders and down his chest as Bruce’s chin came to rest on his head. 

Tony subtly tossed the magazine aside behind a pillow, hoping Bruce wouldn’t notice but of course he did. Bruce casually grabbed the magazine from behind the pillow and followed Tony as he went to check on their dinner. Once they got to the kitchen Tony went to the stove to taste the sauce, then started adding spices. 

Bruce looked pointedly at Tony with raised eyebrows. “So…Cosmo, then?”

Tony ignored him and offered a taste, “What do you think of this? Needs salt, right?” Tony glanced casually at the magazine as though he hadn’t really noticed it before “oh, Pepper must have left it.”

“Really? That’s funny, because Pepper hasn’t been here in six weeks…and this is the current issue.” 

“I wonder how it got here, then.”

Bruce slid up behind Tony at the stove, resting his hands on Tony’s hips and gently kissing his neck as it sloped down into his shoulder. His voice was quiet and teasing, just a hint of seduction coloring it “Oh, I think you know how it got here. Trying to learn some new sex tips?”

Tony fought hard to resist the urge to lean back into Bruce. He made a derisive sound “as if you could handle me if I picked up any more.”

“Oh, I think I could handle anything you could glean from Cosmo.” Bruce’s hands gripped tighter, pulling Tony against him as he kissed his way up to nibble gently at Tony’s ear. 

Tony stopped fighting and enjoyed the feeling as he relaxed against Bruce. “I’ll have you know that I’ve been on the receiving end of my fair share of Cosmo tips and they rarely let me down.”

Bruce’s little scornful huff landed against Tony’s ear. “You think so?”

“Sure. Always a barrel of fun when someone tries those tips.”

Bruce’s tongue gently flicked against the curl of Tony’s ear. “Well then, maybe you should try a few on me.” Bruce ground his hips against Tony once, then abruptly stepped away and set the magazine on the counter next to Tony. His smile was pure challenge as he said “better get studying.”

Tony muttered under his breath “study…never done it before, not likely to start now” as he flipped to the article with sex tips and began to read.


	2. The Turkey Baster

Tony woke up and stretched out like a starfish on the bed, draping one arm and leg over Bruce. They’d had a fantastic Thanksgiving dinner with the team and then everyone had disappeared to their floors for the obligatory post-holiday dinner food coma. Tony rubbed his hand across his face and smiled as he remembered what he had planned for the evening. 

He wasn’t sure if Bruce had been serious last week when he threw down the gauntlet over Cosmo sex tips, but Tony was never one to back down from a challenge, real or imagined. He’d read through the magazine and pored over the website searching for ideas that seemed promising. Tony had chosen a Thanksgiving themed one that sounded enjoyable for both of them and had acquired the necessary props.

Tony turned so that he could nuzzle into Bruce’s neck, “are you awake?”

“No.” Bruce was using his don’t wake me up, you wouldn’t like me when I wake up voice.

Tony was never deterred by The Voice, so he rolled on top of Bruce and licked his cheek “I have something planned for you. You’ll like it.”

Bruce slitted open an eye to look at Tony, “this isn’t like the time you said you had something planned for me and what you really meant was that you were lonely and wanted someone who could talk to come hand you tools, is it?”

“You were an integral part of that activity. And no, this is nothing like that.” Tony climbed off the bed and head towards the kitchen. “Just get comfortable. And naked.”

Tony went to the kitchen and pulled out the box of supplies for their evening. He’d been pretty skeptical when he first read that this activity included a turkey baster, but it ended with a massage, so it seemed worth a try. He poured the massage oil into a bowl and warmed it up in the microwave. When it was warm enough he filled the turkey baster with it and brought the bowl and the turkey baster back to the bedroom.

Bruce’s eyebrows shot up his forehead as he saw what Tony was carrying. “A turkey baster, Tony? What, exactly, are you planning to do with that?” Bruce paused warily for a moment, “does this have to do with me catching you reading Cosmo last week?” 

“Yes, it has everything to do with that. You expressed interest in the full Cosmo experience, so here we are. Roll over, I think you’ll like this.”

Bruce gave Tony a warning look, “There are a lot of things I enjoy you doing, but if you try to put that turkey baster full of unknown fluid…”

Tony rolled his eyes “It’s massage oil and I promise not to put anything anywhere until you beg for it. Now move.” 

Bruce gave Tony one final look and then rolled onto his stomach. Tony quickly stripped off his clothes and climbed over Bruce, straddling his thighs. He leaned down and kissed his way up Bruce’s spine and across his neck to whisper in his ear “just relax and enjoy this.” 

Tony started at Bruce’s fingertips, using the baster to draw lines down each finger. He felt Bruce relax and sink deeper into the bed as he traced the oil along the bones of his hand. He continued across the wrist and traced the veins and muscles up Bruce’s arm, slowly leaving lines of warm oil that spread across his skin. When he reached the shoulder he switched to give the other arm the same treatment. When he reached Bruce’s left shoulder he paused for a moment to consider what to draw next. 

He started scrawling equations across Bruce’s back, telling their story with numbers and symbols. He felt Bruce tense briefly then relax in what felt like an intentional move. He spoke with a quiet, soothing voice, “What is it?”

Bruce lightly shook his head and Tony pulled the baster away, worried that something really was bothering him. “You sure? I can stop if you want me to.”

Bruce moaned gently “No, stopping is definitely not required. Just…you made a mistake.”

“What? No. I did not make a mistake.” The calm voice disappearing as Tony looked across the equation he’d just finished. “And how would you know if I had anyway? It’s on your back.”

Bruce’s back rose as he took a deep breath “I can feel the movement. It’s not a big mistake…you just missed a two in the denominator. It’s nothing.”

Tony looked again and, yes, Bruce was right, he’d left out a two. He pouted for a few seconds, then took a deep breath and drew in the two with a flourish. He intentionally injected humor into his voice when he said “nothing except the difference between eternity and an explosion.” 

Tony drew a final equation that curled across Bruce’s perfect ass and down his thighs, describing the beauty of the ratio that made his hips. He set the baster aside and just watched the rise and fall of Bruce’s back beneath him for a few seconds. Tony reached to the side and began massaging Bruce’s fingers, one at a time. He slowly worked his way up Bruce’s hand and then focused on the muscles in his arm. He switched to the other arm, doing the same thing. Then worked his way slowly down Bruce’s back. 

Bruce’s breaths became slow and deep. Every few minutes he moaned quietly when Tony found a particularly good spot. When Tony’s hands finally started kneading into the muscles of his thighs Bruce rolled his hips back in a clear invitation for things to progress. 

Tony rested his hands on Bruce’s hips and took a deep breath, enjoying the view of the incredibly relaxed body beneath him. “You know, that turkey baster really would be exactly the right size to…”

“Nope, we’re done.” Bruce slid out from beneath Tony in a surprisingly quick move and walked out of the room.


End file.
